My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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