If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
