I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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