My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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