Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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