P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize