you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm too high and old for this...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
