Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
