Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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