i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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