woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
