sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
