At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
