I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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