Define "chronic" masturbator.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
