This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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