It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
