woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
