If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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