dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
