It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
