shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
