i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
