At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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