I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize