i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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