I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
ttyl tear gas
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
