I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
