the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
