i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
