Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
