if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
