I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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