I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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