Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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