thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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