My liver just broke up with me...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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