i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
