Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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