is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
