cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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