Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
