I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Michael Bay diarrhea
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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