when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
