I heard we made out
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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