Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
