I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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