Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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