I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
