He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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