maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
