dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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