Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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