If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
3 2 1 whiskey
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
