Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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