I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
sarcasm needs its own font
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
