i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
