He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize